S.T.O.P.

i put him on my handphone's wallpaper
and i told myself
the day i take it down
is the day i decide to forget the whole relation with him
its too tiring
like wad jie say
before it gets too deep
its best to Stop
and i have decided
it really is the Time to Stop
i know even as i type this
i wonder if i can really do it
i must be resolute
i must tell myself, there are no 'ifs'
and there are no 'buts'
i get so affected by it
that its draggin down my own behaviour
i dun wan this
shld we were meant to be den i shldnt have to suffer this way
i dun wish to be affect by u anymore
you put it across so purposely
that you wish to avoid me
i have no idea where to place myself
within the realms of my consciences and self esteem
i look so pathetic
i know, it will take some time
well, jus let it be...
in the meantime
i''l jus bury and lock up every lil feelin i have for u
and in the meantime,
I, will Lock up my Heart.
perhaps forever.......


Goodbye, HTG

i miss you already.
i cant believe myself
im suppose to try and let go
in the end, im still missin you
i love huda's quote:
"No one ever gets tired of loving but everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing promises, saying sorry & all the hurting."
that summarises everything that i m feeling right now for you

pain SEARED through my heart

SEVERED it into two parts

like nobody's business. today.

i finally got sick again....
not jus physically,
heartfully as well
but at least im with out regrets.
i gt 2 photos with HTG
so damn happy to get those two shots
thanks my noor jie jie:)
totally love her!
we are simply so similar
i dun think i'll eva find anyone as similar anymore
maybe cos she's also a snake as well as a leo
like me.:)
even the small lil actions we do are almost the same
lol, come to think of it:)
and its all thanks to her i gt my 2 shots:)
i actually wanted to post them
but i decided i wan them to be personal
lol, silly me
my frens tell me
now that we are no longer kids
we shldnt see relations as jus simple liking
u mus first ask urself
do u really like him?
do u see a future?
i did ask myself
and for the past few days
there were conflictions
but wen i fell sick today
it became apparent
i do.
i really do.
cos he was the first one who came to mind today
i became happy and yet sad at the same time
now that im sure of my feelings for him
wads next>?
when's next?
hows next?
i can feel something from U
if U are readin this, and actually im the one whos 'feelin' wrongly,
pls find a way to let me know,
if U are ever reading this......





*ps. im capable of any situation except, im such a silly and incapable person when it comes to matters of the heart,

the heart still pumps...
but my brain thinks so much...
its so stressful for me
i really really need a break.....
and help me, i 'll be alone..
i need to break through....
if i can survive..
i'll be on a higher level then anybody else.

RECOVERY...
(on the way, as long as i can dun see u)

haiz, why does things get so difficult for me and u?
is it that impossible for u to move jus one step forward?
ive been making like thousands of steps ...
u?
where is ur first step?
haiz....
i really do like u.
but are things meant to be???

can u give me an Answer?

i know its all over with you, but my heart still wishes its otherwise.....

cuttting my hand is too painful, but at the very least, it helps to relief some of my pain.

i just realised, that my family, isnt really a family.

i don't have a family

a silly affair

thoughts were slowed.
actions became automated.
what wld or can u do if u were me?
i m no longer sure.
of wad is, wad if
i think, wad my sis said is true
if u believe in previous and after lives
den wad i m gg to say nex will den make sense to u
i may be paying a debt i own her from my previous life
if its really true
den i sincerely hope to finish paying this lifetime
and den lets end it here.
this mother daughter relation is jus too testing for me
its like almost every 2-3 months it will happen once...
i get so tired of such things
esp at this period now
when im having more den my fair share of problems
why she as a mother can fail to notice such events
i jus realised
im a person with so much expectations
and this recent period in my life
i realised everything is failing my expectations
the whole issue with my mum
its such a silly affair.
i duno how long will it take for me to finally have enuf to have a place on my own
but that is my sincere wish for now.



*things have gotten so stressful with him...

SOMEBODY, HELP ME!!!

relationships.
this word is so simple and yet so confounded at times

went for Mic's 21st bdae yesterday
finally i meet up with her and huiz after like ages
also, i get to meet mic new boy:) nice chap

i spoke to huiz and Yt about my situation
verdict: shld nt have msged
and im feelin like a fool now
damn it
chatted with yt for abt 2 hrs till 3 in the morning
it dawned on me
that soe relationships it doesnt need constant tuning
take mine and yt's
we can be absent in each other's life for ages
but when we get contacted
its like we are seeing each other everday
its like we are the family.( tgt with ky)
i cant wait for ky to 'roll back' ..(LOL)
den we can finally reminise old times and jus rot tgt
:)
right now, the only i m thinkin and nervous abt is,
TOMMORROW
what do i do?
hw am i to react?
for goodness sake
i hate this form of me
YT!!! i need u la!

sighs....

im THE FOOL

things get more and more deciving...
or isit that guys are simply deciving?
wad i tot wasnt wad it is, is it?
wad u meant wasnt wad it meant, isit?
wad they heard wasnt wad its suppose to be, isit?
how i felt, jus wasnt meant to be?
and things hasnt really started at all
why are things this way?
why am i this way?
why am i always a fool wen it comes to love?
i wanna find someone whom i can truly share my tots with
someone who can advise me, support me, comfort me.
who can i look to?
wad those signs i tot u were giving me, not signs at all?
i feel like im so despereate some times
i feel like a 'hua chi'
like if theres a guy who looks at me more, who toks to me more,whos beside me more
is actualy someone who is interested in me
can u like someone at first interaction?
is it possible?
i hate it wen i cant be sure of things
i hate it.
all these years, whenever i felt, or so i tot i felt, something from or for a guy,
i'll try to supress it
i'll try to not notice it
cos i was so sure, things arent there
things wont work out or im jus dreaming again
in the end,
thats how it truly happens
and my heart will cry blood
its so painful
and yet in front of others
i still have to pretend
PRETEND.
as if its a normal day life
i still have to make ppl laugh
imagine happy
its so so so so hurts
HURT.
things truly happen.
the guys, they wot notice me anymore
and im the one with initatives
i tried getting to know u first
become friendly
and wen i tot things cld get better
phoof
its gone
jus like how it is now again..
thats how im feeling now
question: y?
y cant i be happy for once?
after so many years
shldnt U let me have a chance?
shldnt U?
PLs. this is the countless time ive asked or the word pls has been used
.....
omg...this is crazy.....

everything is in such a blur
the only thing thats for sure
feelings for mr b are gone.