what ifs.

i finally get the luxury of time to blog again.
the past few days has been one of my most tedious periods in my life
not jus physically but mentally and heart-fully as well
cos my time mgt was really horrible
i had to rush like crazy for the dressses to be up
i'll put up the fotos another time tgt with the designs
firstly, customer YR, was really frus
cos the design to the cloth type she wans i followed exactly wad she wanted
but i did tell her b4 that the colour and design is not suitable for prom at all
and also i did hinted that the colour doesnt suit her at all.
she doenst listen, so wad can i do?
so in the end wen she came to try the dress
all she cld say was that ' like it lacks something'
all of us cld tell the colour doesnt suit her
but wad to do thats wad she wans
i cant forbade my customer wad she wans, can i?
customer J was really good until i had to add extra cloth to hers
cos she put on a lil weight...
and the design was suposed to be a lil out of the ordinary shape
but she said her parents din appreciate the lopsided idea
so she din wear her dress but gt another instead
i was like, its not only a waste of her money, its waste of the dress as well
i mean for the dress to go thru, she has to like the design first right
so i was really taken aback
i decided to refund her 2/3 of the deposit anyway
cos she din wear it to the event
here comes the really heart wrenching part
my mum's behaviour
i know that time was really slippin away
but i hated to be constantly nagged at
it eats away at my ability to work
a lil naggin;s fine cos i deserve it
but so much and so hurtful and to do it in public as well
i really do not tink its fair to me
and the whole time i jus kept quiet at the restuarant
i bet u a million bucks those near cld hear and the servers as well
but i think they can understand my predicament
co wen we were being served, she made a big and loud commotion
over a really small matter
the manager wanted to bring us to this table
but den halfway he realise that its actually for a grp of 6 instead of 4
so he turnard and told us to wait and bring the one behind us to the table instead
i tink he din really tell her properly
and cos of tad
mum tinks she was shortchange
and hence the commotion
i was aledi embarrassed
adn during the dinner she poured it out on me
i so wanted to cry on the spot
but i told myself not to show my inner weakness
esp not in front of her and so many others
so i jus pretended im fine and carried on conv with my sis
it was so painful, so painful that wen ireached home i wanted to cry but realised there's no tears
its so suffocating
den the next day, all of a sudden
she's friendly to me, the trip to m'sia was pretty much enjoyable
i tot perhaps the storm was over
i tot since no matter wad she 's my mum, i can and shld put up with her weird outbursts
but alas, it was nt to be
the outburst frequecies were getting more more concentrated
this time its at a shopin centre
i may spoken a lil too outwardly and in a dishing-out manner
but tads the way its suppose to be with family isnt it?
i dun like to have to be so guarded with how i speak wen i m with family
if i have to be guarded, den why is it still called a family?
den wen we get into the car she suddenly warned me again bout having to finish the dress on time, and den suddenly it link to that she being my mum
she has every right to scold/reprimand me
i din answer her cos i was really frus and angry with her
den she started scolding me for being rude and improper...there's more but i cant rmb
i so wanted to jus go somewhere safe to cry at that pt
and u know wad?
i always tot that even if i gt scolded my dad and sis would understand that most of the time
im not really at fault, im the victim of her stupid outbursts
but this time i was proven wrong
cos wen we reached the next destination, mum gt out of the car first
dad specially stayed in abit jus to tell me this: ah girl, watch wad u say lah, everytime like tad"
i was like i din say anything speacially jus to provoke her leh,
den my sis had to go and say this line: i know wad u said ok.'
i was so so so so so taken aback den
i was shocked.
but i still had to pretend im fine
i carried on gg to shop for a prom bag for her
but all those while, i was SUFFOCATED
i so badly wanted to cry
i refuse to let those tears fall
cos i knew if i cried
its the end for me
i wont be able to stand up properly again
but i really needed to let go a tiny bit of the frus that was eating me
i msg yt , my super friend.
but i stil cldnt give her the full story at all
and i had to hold back tears and act in front of my own family
i have nv felt so ALONE b4
im surrounded by my closest ppl
and yet i still feel so lonely and helpless
suddenly i felt even my dearest one
someone i tot i cld always count on
my sis,
Disappears.
i feel now, that if theres ever a next life,
please give me a fresh family
i still love my family
but thats all
nthing else
lets nt meet again in the next life
please.

cos even now as i type
they are downstairs, cheerful and happy tgt as a one family
cos my sis jus came home from prom
and im like the forgotten one up in the study
ALONE. again

tears pls dun fall
pls pls pls....