Tylerchloe♥

Hey Loves my new web http://tylerchloe.livejournal .com has launched its
CNY Collection !♥
Please do check it out!

XOXO♥J

with ah mei

today started off on a irritating note...
jam and i had to literally rush to sku jus to put our damn signature on the attendance.. fuck
it was like wth!

anyway, managed to spend some really funny moments with my sis today
wen we dun plan den we are able to meet to go home or shop tgt
haha... we had lunch at j8's the hong kong cafe
the noodle suck but the prawn dumplings was fab!
ah mei's zha jiang mein wasnt too bad..
den we went to do abit tini wini bit of window shopping
(actually it was jus me haha.. sis was like drained..)
i bought this sparkling nail buffer
works wonders...
eat too much today...
feel so fulllllllllll...
hate teh damn SE software
taking so damn blooody long to install..

ps. on the way home today.. sis and i were laughing like crazy... ppl tot we are crazy.. the guy at the playgrd..

confusion

i think i may hav finally made up my mind
in the beginning the prospects of overseas studying was jus like a playful tot
but as the poly part of my life is reaching its end
its starting to materialise itself as an option to me
yes my dad may be open to ideas
but i am not quite sure if he and mum
are gg to be supportive (mentally and financially)
abt my overseas studies
esp since i am gg into an area where most parents dun feel its stable
went with jam and wang wang on friday to idp to learn more abt aust unis
at first i went jus to get some knowledge abt it
but as the session at idp went on
it slowly begin to form an impression on me
that this
is really wad i wanted in life
its an indication of the beginnings of the very life i crave
and,
it maybe the very opportunity for me
to become my true self again
i noe i have changed over the years by a lot
nobody from my younger years will ever be able to link the past me to the now me
but at times i have always felt i prefer the past me
where by i was so fun and creative and actually being truly happy
not tad my friends arent happy to be around with
but i jus cldnt find my true laughter, my real happiness
and i actually feel that i am boring now...
i duno how it happen or wen it happen
i jus suddenly changed
sigh...
as i listened as jam poured questions at the session (thks love)
about Curtin, QUT, RMIT and Raffles
i am really tempted by Curtin..
it is the most relevant to wad i wish to study , Fashion Designing
as the days passed..
i find myself beginning to hope
i am actually building up my hopes to enter Curtin
ha.
i really hope i won get my heart crushed again
the feeling is literal
i have felt it twice in my life aledi
i sincerely wish i dun ever have to feel that again
at least, not from my parents
i am truly worried
esp since my hopes are ACTUAllY building
and its really a struggle for me to keep having to suppress it..

wad a toturess way to live..

the most grateful day of my life

okay i really duno wad got to me or how it happen
i finally got the damn ass courage to speak abt my dreams to my dad
and guess what
i end up crying...
dun get me wrong
my dad was really really so good( i dun think there is a word strong enough to express his 'goodness')
i love him so much
he din scold me, he din throw me disappointed looks
he din brush me off neither did he stare at me
he jus simply said : its good to understand more first before we come to a decision..
OMG...
i nearly cried out loud
the feeling is so 'bursting'
i was frightened out of my mind, heart and soul
the relief that came afterwards was
overwhelming...
BUT!
i really really cant fathom
my mum's reaction

so here goes....

insecurity...

i just realised today how insecure i really am.
i have to go to sku jus for the sake of the stupid open house
i cant contact jamie and i for a lil long moment felt lost.
its like i have come to become so reliant on her
cos i suddenly felt i din really have much frens at entre..
i am afraid of being alone i realised.
sigh
i think this whole day iam feeling restless and down
i dun really noe why
its like suddenly the end of sku is coming
and i am like being pushed out of my comfort zone
i noe what i wan in life
i really do
i want to be able to live my dream that one day
i'll like to see ppl dressed in clothes that i design
i wan my brand to go down in the name of history
but
i am worried
i am scared how my parents will react
i am afraid of the pressure
i am terrified of the insecurities of the future
i wan to get into raffles design institute
but at the same time wen i saw
pictures of the university school
my frens are attending
i wanted to get abit of that action too...
its abit of pensive feeling in me
its like i wan to have my cake and eat it too
sigh
i have finally understood
that it is true that if i really want to get into the uni
its really for my mum's sake
and jus to satisfy my own damn pride
its like i wan to enter uni jus to tell others i can do it too
but i dun tink i will be happy
after the years in the uni (if i ever get ther)
what else will it bring me? where can it truly take me to?
i really dont noe
they always say im still young a
and i have all the time in the world
but certain things..
have to start now wen i am young
with the normal business degree i might get from uni
i will be able to make my mum proud and happy
and wen i graduate
i will get a normal steady job
work form morning to night
get a steady income, straight line life
whats a straight line life ? you'll ask
it will start in the morning where u rush
with the rest of ur neighbourhood to work
at work u sit at ur desk bounded by paperwork
till noon u gather ur colleagues for lunch for only an hour
nex, u stay at ur desk for the next 5 to 6 hours in paper paper paper
then u rush home to eat jus for the sake of filling ur stomach
because u r so damn tired from a whole day of sitting at the desk
den u watch perhaps some tv
and u are off to bed
the next day u wake up and the routine continues...
i really do not wan this kind of life
i wan to break thru from this cycle of life
but at the same time
i am afraid of the changes as well.
i am so confused.

so tell me, what am i suppose to do?